Thoughts

It has been some time since I blogged. The reason why I am back is because I feel like jotting down my dark thoughts, and I don't want to display this side of me on social media like IG and Twitter, as I don't want to entertain questions like "Are you ok?" or consoling words of "I am here for you if you wanna talk". I am having a bad day today. Partly because I am on my period, partly because I encountered bitchy people being fking rude to my face and I did nothing to defend myself, partly because I noticed again how I am not as close to my close friends in my social circle. For the first reason, it is such a jinx because I was just telling myself yesterday that I didn't have PMS this round. Look who's wrong lol. The second reason is colleagues complaining about my photography skills. I was asked to help to take a photo for my friend's team. However, the first manager said "I thought youngsters can take good photos one". I was shocked because people usually do not acknowledge a bad photo to strangers, although we are not strangers, I only joined this team once for lunch and we are definitely not friends. I tried to play it cool by joking "Aiya you take yourself lah" (not sure if they think it is a joke because this was my first reaction as I was really stunned and annoyed, plus I am not good at masking my emotions). Then after awhile the second manager said where was our other mutual friend, she was sure she could take better pictures than me. Wow, what a fucking bitch. I am not kidding at all. I see her in office, I acknowledge her when I pass by her but she always pretend not to see me but before this I was like whatever and just thought that she could be shy or dgaf about being polite. But this is too much. This is not a joke because I am not close to her, I never talked to her, and jokes are called jokes because it is a banter between friends or an attempt to be friendly. Anyway in the end I never said anything but offered to take another photo again under the guidance of another team member (though her angle is also shitty in my opinion). Just a disclaimer, the photos I took are fine, they just want a closer up picture. As for the third reason, I feel like my existence is non-essential when I hang out with my social circle. Why am I not as close to my close friends? I know it is because of my quiet and more serious personality, being too nice, mainly a listener and not deemed as fun. When I hang out with my friends, I encounter instances where I feel excluded. Of course, I learnt not to get hung up about this, but there are times that I care. These close friends not telling/updating me things that they told my other close friends already, is one factor that kept reaffirming insecurities I feel regarding the personality I listed above. Maybe I am not caring enough that I do not check in with them 24/7 that it did not cross their mind to update me things. Maybe I am not fun enough to make them feel comfortable to come and find me automatically so that I do not even need to check in with them in the first place. Maybe I just have a different dynamic with them. Maybe I am not a good friend. Maybe they do not regard me as important as how much I regard them. These thoughts have plagued me for 2 years, and I do not know how to make myself become more sociable, talkative and fun anymore. Maybe I am not trying hard enough, so I deserve to feel like this. Maybe I just do not deserve to be happy, because I let negativity dwell in my mind. Maybe I deserve not to be closer to my friends, because I am just not their type. All these maybes are toxic thoughts that are always behind my mind, even though on a normal day these thoughts do not dampen my mood. I made a new realisation today because of the thoughts above spoiling my mood today, and this is the real reason why I decided to blog. I was thinking how much I love watching shows, and it hit me that it is just because I prefer fantasy to the reality I am living in. Even when I was young, I loved to read and I was constantly daydreaming because I prefer living in my own fantasy. And then I thought, if I were given this moment to choose to live or to cease to exist, I would choose the latter without hesitation. The simple reason is I do not love life. Life is meaningless and without fulfillment. I am living because of my responsibility towards my parents. They work so hard and sacrifice so much to raise me, and I cannot forsake them by leaving this world causing them great sadness and guilt. I am living because God does not condone suicide, and I do not want to go to hell (honestly I am not sure where it was quoted in the bible, but I do not wanna chance this). I am living also because I fear the physical pain I need to go through just to commit suicide, and if the method went awry, I need to continue living with my messed up body and that would be worse. So even though I will choose to die than to live, I will not commit suicide. If anyone is reading this blog (I hope there is none), please do not call any emergency hotline. All these while, I thought that I do not mind having kids in the future. But recently, I have fear of having kids because I am afraid I will not be a good role model and they will be on a wrong path, becoming trash to society. But today, I made a realisation that I may not prefer to have kids is also because I do not love life. Life in this world is shitty, why will I want to have kids so that they will suffer? I know that I am blessed, not having hardships in life and I should not complain. But I have been living with self-hate since I was 9, and I am putting myself through suffering that I created for myself. It is just an endless cycle. Having the opportunity to live is not by choice, and although continuing living is technically a choice, it is an obligation to do so therefore it is not really a choice either. I feel that this version of me is not good for anyone that I know in my life. For my family, they do not have a choice. For friends, they will continue to be friends because I am nice. For my potential partner and kids, I do not know if I should pursue having them in my life because of the state that I am in. I used to think that I want to improve myself first before pursuing them. But if I am not successful in fixing myself... hmm never mind I will just go with the flow.

Midnight Contemplations

At moments like this, I wonder what is the meaning of life. My life. Why did God put me here? What is my purpose? 

I know I have backslided, it's just so difficult to go back to how things were last time, when I used to read the bible everyday, pray and talk to Him everyday and looking forward to attend church.

I don't know why I turned out this way, where God is most likely disappointed in me right now, and my parents repeatedly telling me how they just can't stand me anymore.

Everyone has a side of them which people don't know about. Is mine really that bad? The fact that I am lazy and dislike doing house chores? The fact that I like to use my phone a lot? I mean, living with this kind of person is really horrible, no doubt about it. But what about the other things, that my parents are so disappointed about? To be honest, I'm not really sure what those characteristics are, just that they are all related somehow. I don't know myself really well, after all.

If I'm really such a detestable person in their eyes, I mean, what's the point? Why am I here?

Before this, studying overseas was just an interesting option, if I don't get to go, it's fine. But now? I can't wait to leave this godforsaken place, where living in this house seems so...

This is really a small matter, to be honest. Just that, at moments like this, I feel affected. But really, there is no point in trying to live up to their expectations, because nothing is ever good enough for them (humans are forever unsatisfied after all) and the most important thing is, I have to live for myself, to be happy.

I wish that I can be more independent, more capable and more streetwise so that I can live without them. I feel inadequate and helpless at the moment. But that will change, soon.

As years passed, I have become less disappointed in myself. But I will never be happy with how I have turned out, because it will never be enough. Humans are never happy with what they have right? 

This whole thing probably doesn't make sense. I wonder whether I will understand what I wrote when I read back in the future.

Circulation of Thoughts

• Everyone has their down moments.
• I am not an exception.
• I learnt to ignore the impact of my parents' words to me most of the time.
• This is not one of those times.
• It was not the words she said, but more of the fact that I resented the way she felt regarding the situation.
• Rather than complaining to the whole world, wasn't it sufficient to just stop doing them?
• I hope that when I am older, I won't throw others into a bad mood although I am in a bad mood.
• I really need to study.
• The word "underprepared" is an understatement.
• I will pull it through somehow.

FINALLY 18!!!

Well, well, look who's here?

The author, ie. Fiona is finally BACK!!!

I swear to you, I come here blogging at the worst times ever. Either I am feeling down, or just stressing out for exams. Gone were the days when I came here blogging as I was bored. Really you know, how could I feel bored last time? I hardly have time to feel bored, what with shows (American/Chinese/HK/Korean) ever capturing my interest. But yeah, I am having trials next week so I did not watch shows (on my own) for a pretty LONG LONG time.

 

Anyway, it was my birthday two days ago! I was quite excited the previous night. For years I have not cared celebrating birthdays, I saw as just another ordinary day for me. Also the fact that it was impossible for my friends and I to celebrate my birthday because we usually have midyear exams in  May. But I am now in college, and Gayithiri was planning for us to have lunch with my other college friends in Pyramid, so yeah I was excited :P

 

We had lunch at CAPRIOSSA (I don't really remember the name of the restaurant), the nearest restaurant to the Canopy Walk because some of my friends had 1.30 class. They had break for 1 hour and 15 minutes only. There were 14 people who could make it in the end. Most of those seated on my left were people I hardly saw and talked to. Amrit came up with the idea that everyone said something to me, except wishing me happy birthday to get everyone talking.

 

This year is the year which I received the most food as my birthday presents. I got a cupcake and J Co. doughnuts from Gayithiri, a slice of Red Velvet cake from Jana and Ferraro Roche from Isabelle. Kit Mun gave me a keychain. I came back home to find another 2 slices of cake in the refrigerator. This week is going to be a fattening week alright.

 

2014 is one of my best birthdays ever. I really thank everyone for making it such a blast :D
 

INTJ

I got interested with personality tests again. I have always been interested with these sort of tests as I will like to get to know myself better. Anyway, I did a test which was similar to the Briggs Meyer test and the result was INTJ. I obtained this result a few times before but I felt doubtful as I got a different result before that too (yes I did a few times). I read the functions and it started to make sense to me. Some of the negative characters that INTJ's have eg arrogance do not match my character. I might have those when I was younger but I am not sure whether that makes me an INTJ or not. So if I really am an INTJ, I have to say that I am glad to be one. INTJs aren't suppose to be affected by conflicts and criticisms. For me, I do not feel anything initially when I am lectured, for example. So the negative feelings must have been self-inflicted as I think too much after that. Also, the mindset of not wanting to get married from such a young age might be because of my personality type. Apparently, INTJs are people who have very high expectations when it comes to this aspect. I am not really sure but I think INTJs can be rather oblivious because of their quaternary function, ie extra sensing, which is their Archilles heel. INTJs are really rare people, they make up about 1% of mankind in this world. The fact that the people who belong to this personality type is so rare and online tests aren't really accurate, I have to say that I am still feeling doubtful about the result; however I am more postive than before that I am an INTJ after reading the functions of the personality type after that. Actually, I was supposed to be studying instead of researching about all these stuff. Oh wells.

Smartass

Ee Lyn once told me that we should write down happy things rather than writing down sad moments as writing something down makes us feel that particular emotion longer. But the truth is, when I feel sad only do I have the need to spill out my emotions, not when I am happy. So here we go... Being called stupid in your face kinda hurts your ego you know. Well if it is my boss who calls me so in the future, I will bear with it whether I like it or not. But if it's a family member, obviously you will give out reasons and argue back. As my reason does not stand strong, I am referred to as having an attitude problem, argue for the sake of arguing and goodness knows what else are they thinking in the back of their minds. This is quite a small matter considering if we want to compare to the huge family rows which happen to other families. Well the truth is, I must just avoid the whole situation from happening by not saying anything at all at the wrong time. So what if I am being called stupid? I'm not letting what you say run my life anyway. Come to think of it, everyone in this world has attitude problems as none of us are perfect. All we can do is to fix our flaws, and I am doing that right now. So yeah, I shall try to be more diplomatic even though I am angry. This is my side of the story for tonight.

CNY

Personally, I find CNY rather boring. I used to love this event as we would be celebrating my great grandfather's birthday in the restaurant, ie we will get to eat lots of delicious food. Of course, there were angpau too. Now, nothing about CNY is appealing except the holidays itself and that I have the opportunity to travel. In the future days to come, I will celebrate CNY with my family for the first few days and ciao I go to some other place. Somehow when I thought about travelling overseas in the future, I picture myself travelling alone carrying a backpack walking between some ancient buildings in black and white. Whether I will have the chance to travel to such places in such fashion or not, I will soon find out.