I know I have backslided, it's just so difficult to go back to how things were last time, when I used to read the bible everyday, pray and talk to Him everyday and looking forward to attend church.
I don't know why I turned out this way, where God is most likely disappointed in me right now, and my parents repeatedly telling me how they just can't stand me anymore.
Everyone has a side of them which people don't know about. Is mine really that bad? The fact that I am lazy and dislike doing house chores? The fact that I like to use my phone a lot? I mean, living with this kind of person is really horrible, no doubt about it. But what about the other things, that my parents are so disappointed about? To be honest, I'm not really sure what those characteristics are, just that they are all related somehow. I don't know myself really well, after all.
If I'm really such a detestable person in their eyes, I mean, what's the point? Why am I here?
Before this, studying overseas was just an interesting option, if I don't get to go, it's fine. But now? I can't wait to leave this godforsaken place, where living in this house seems so...
This is really a small matter, to be honest. Just that, at moments like this, I feel affected. But really, there is no point in trying to live up to their expectations, because nothing is ever good enough for them (humans are forever unsatisfied after all) and the most important thing is, I have to live for myself, to be happy.
I wish that I can be more independent, more capable and more streetwise so that I can live without them. I feel inadequate and helpless at the moment. But that will change, soon.
As years passed, I have become less disappointed in myself. But I will never be happy with how I have turned out, because it will never be enough. Humans are never happy with what they have right?
This whole thing probably doesn't make sense. I wonder whether I will understand what I wrote when I read back in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment