Go With The Flow :P

How's life like in Form 4? Fun, STRESSful, feeling underprepared definitely, and of course, really different from the life we lead before that. But still, it's a fun year!! :D It's the beginning of finals now actually. One of the most unprepared exams in my whole life. Other than the next paper which we are going to take, I haven't finish studying for any subjects yet. Not to mention that for the 1st seven months I was running around like a headless chicken, as my mum put it, all I can say is that Form 4 life is tough and hard to get use to at first. Conclusion: Try not to feel too stress and just go with the flow :)

Feeling... Pessimistic?

I came to blog about what is troubling me but ended up getting sidetracked and giving the events of the day (last post)... Anyway, people think of me as a person who is just so... Like who I am right now, but the truth is, I never really like who I am, it's not like I'm trying to be a wannabe or anything, but I have self esteem issues at times, of who I am as a person. Am I useless? I definitely feel so at times. Am I this, am I that? Just knowing that I am not capable to be someone whom I can be proud of, being disappointed with myself, why can't I do this, why do I fail to do that?, just makes me know I am a failure. Haha, being blessed with so many things, so many chances, but yet?

Eventful Day Tomorrow

Basically, our class was chosen to perform some patriotic songs together with another class tomorrow to celebrate Malaysia Day. We practiced last minute for 2 days, and thank God our class will be facing the teachers when we sing and not the students, or else it will be more awkward... There are quite a lot of people born in September. Bernice, Zheng Yi and Sir are celebrating their birthday tomorrow. My mum's next week :) Gonna bake brownies if possible. It will be my first time baking brownies, looking forward to it, yummy!!! :D

Overwhelming Frustration

I am supposed to be doing homework now, which is maths. I just don't understand the question and I feel so frustrated with this year. I feel like this year is so hectic, so stressful, I suck at time management, therefore I feel like a failure. Just can't help feeling so. Teachers, are no doubt knowledgeable and good in the subjects they are supposed to teach, but the fact that I find a tad difficult to understand what they are talking about puts us in a disadvantage. Pn Anna, my math teacher is on leave for a few months, the new math teacher we have just teach a bit and I guess expect us to understand the chapter. He is nice, but then again, I don't understand what he is scribbling on the board. So I'm trying to understand what he is trying to teach by reading the examples in the textbook but they only have one example for that. I seriously don't know how to do my homework!! I kinda wish I didnt give up math tuition but then I might not be able to cope. The feeling of disappointment, helplessness, frustration, worrisome is what I have been feeling throughout this year.

Same Sex Attraction

I used to love this blog, it was my rubbish bin, where I dump my happy, sad, (angry?) emotions. Then it got a little meaningless when no one visits. I mean, you will feel like you have no life or sth right?

Or maybe that's just me?

Nvm, I'm back here today, which is what matters.

Hmm, today we had ZC (Zone Congregation) instead of cell group. So we heard Pastor Trifina talk, and it was really interesting. It was regarding the topic of homosexuality.

As this pastor used to be a practising lesbian, it was a very good testimony because it was what one can relate to. Studies have shown that human beings are not born homosexual, it was because of certain issues and factors that trigger this feeling of attraction between the same sex, whether that person realized it or not. Saying he/she was born homosexual, is just an excuse to continue being a homosexual or trying to ease the guilt he/she is feeling.

I am gonna share Pastor Trifina's testimony here, I hope she doesn't mind. It is very important to share so that others who do not have a chance to hear what attraction between same sex is really about will have the opportunity to read it here.

Pastor Trifina was chubby when she was young, she wore a dress and went to flaunt it in front of her father. Her father said: "Don't eat so much." If you are the child, how would you feel? Sad? Confused? Did dad just implied you are fat? Did he mean to point out you are ugly? When one is young, one loves to be loved unconditionally by his parents, to hear soothing words and praises from them. That would be the first blow to Pastor Trifina.

Then, when she was around 5 years old, there was a girl who laid on top of her and french kissed her. She did not know what was happening really, she knew she felt embarassed though.

After that, Pastor Trifina's parents got into a heated argument. Her father had gambled all the money away and her mum did not trust her dad anymore. So she became the rubbish bin, whatever negative things about her dad was complained to her by her mum, and she was the eldest child, so she was actually like her mother's husband, being the protector and the provider of the family.

When we were in primary, we used to encounter this trend of being friends this day, and NOT being friends again the next. What happened to Pastor Trifina though, I believed was much worse because when she was 12, all her friends suddenly did not want to be friends with her anymore and she was left feeling hurt, sad. confused. Now remember, when she was young, she was imprinted with the thought that she was fat and ugly, so she was wondering whether she these were the reasons her friends left her.

When she came up to secondary school, she had a crush on a boy. They were walking back home together, when this guy started to tell her how much he liked the girl next door. Of course, her heart was broken, how much rejection she had received already.. She was chubby still, so she could not find any nice blouses or skirts her size, so she had to make do with T-shirts and pants. She kept short hair too. So she was called tomboy by her peers. She did not really know what tombpy really means, but she thought it was cool. Therefore she wanted to be the best tomboy ever. She exelled in games, and she had a group of fans cheering for her, which happened to be girls, the feminine ones. So what she desired (ie long hair, slim figure) from the girls she did not have, and the girl who had such did not excel in games, so this attraction between same sex started to from.

There was another argument between Pastor Trifina's parents and it was so bad that the father kicked her mother and heer siblings out as well. From that day onwards, she swore that she hated guys, guys were unreliable, could not be trusted. The role of being a protector and a provider was intensified.

Pastor Trifina was a Christian when she had gotten into relationships between the same sex. Everytime the relationships did not work out, she would go back to God. When there was this girl whom she really loved left her, she really felt like killing herself. She did not do so though, instead she told a pastor and his wife that she was a practising lesbian. To even tell somebody about this, you have to pivk up A LOT of courage. So if you ever encounter anybody who is telling you his secret, hear him out and not judge him or he will be left even more broken then before.

This couple listened to her, did not judge her and told her, "Jesus still loves you". That made Pastor Trifina cried, for she felt not worthy, she felt guilt, she felt she the grace given by God. This pastor got some people to walk through this journey with her, and now she is straight again.

If a person is attracted by someone of the same sex and he wants to change, he must really want to change. With God, anything can be done. God made human beings in his image, males and females. So the function of a male's sexual organ is to give, while the female's sexual organ is to receive. So if two guys are trying to make love with each other, they will never feel satisfied, because both are trying to give. Same goes for two females. Both are trying to receive, so they will never feel satisfied even if they have sex.

When one tells you he is attracted to the same sex and you do not say anything, you are practically agreeing with his actions. Instead, we should thank him for viewing us as his good friend and confide in us, but we must also make a stand and tell him that it is wrong without being judgemental. Same sex attraction is a sin, but to God, cheating in exam, stealing these sins are on the same category as the prior one. God still loves the person who sins, but he does not agree with his actions.

God loves us no matter what, once we know that, we will feel secured that He will always be with us no matter what we are going through, He is a faithful God.