Thoughts

It has been some time since I blogged. The reason why I am back is because I feel like jotting down my dark thoughts, and I don't want to display this side of me on social media like IG and Twitter, as I don't want to entertain questions like "Are you ok?" or consoling words of "I am here for you if you wanna talk". I am having a bad day today. Partly because I am on my period, partly because I encountered bitchy people being fking rude to my face and I did nothing to defend myself, partly because I noticed again how I am not as close to my close friends in my social circle. For the first reason, it is such a jinx because I was just telling myself yesterday that I didn't have PMS this round. Look who's wrong lol. The second reason is colleagues complaining about my photography skills. I was asked to help to take a photo for my friend's team. However, the first manager said "I thought youngsters can take good photos one". I was shocked because people usually do not acknowledge a bad photo to strangers, although we are not strangers, I only joined this team once for lunch and we are definitely not friends. I tried to play it cool by joking "Aiya you take yourself lah" (not sure if they think it is a joke because this was my first reaction as I was really stunned and annoyed, plus I am not good at masking my emotions). Then after awhile the second manager said where was our other mutual friend, she was sure she could take better pictures than me. Wow, what a fucking bitch. I am not kidding at all. I see her in office, I acknowledge her when I pass by her but she always pretend not to see me but before this I was like whatever and just thought that she could be shy or dgaf about being polite. But this is too much. This is not a joke because I am not close to her, I never talked to her, and jokes are called jokes because it is a banter between friends or an attempt to be friendly. Anyway in the end I never said anything but offered to take another photo again under the guidance of another team member (though her angle is also shitty in my opinion). Just a disclaimer, the photos I took are fine, they just want a closer up picture. As for the third reason, I feel like my existence is non-essential when I hang out with my social circle. Why am I not as close to my close friends? I know it is because of my quiet and more serious personality, being too nice, mainly a listener and not deemed as fun. When I hang out with my friends, I encounter instances where I feel excluded. Of course, I learnt not to get hung up about this, but there are times that I care. These close friends not telling/updating me things that they told my other close friends already, is one factor that kept reaffirming insecurities I feel regarding the personality I listed above. Maybe I am not caring enough that I do not check in with them 24/7 that it did not cross their mind to update me things. Maybe I am not fun enough to make them feel comfortable to come and find me automatically so that I do not even need to check in with them in the first place. Maybe I just have a different dynamic with them. Maybe I am not a good friend. Maybe they do not regard me as important as how much I regard them. These thoughts have plagued me for 2 years, and I do not know how to make myself become more sociable, talkative and fun anymore. Maybe I am not trying hard enough, so I deserve to feel like this. Maybe I just do not deserve to be happy, because I let negativity dwell in my mind. Maybe I deserve not to be closer to my friends, because I am just not their type. All these maybes are toxic thoughts that are always behind my mind, even though on a normal day these thoughts do not dampen my mood. I made a new realisation today because of the thoughts above spoiling my mood today, and this is the real reason why I decided to blog. I was thinking how much I love watching shows, and it hit me that it is just because I prefer fantasy to the reality I am living in. Even when I was young, I loved to read and I was constantly daydreaming because I prefer living in my own fantasy. And then I thought, if I were given this moment to choose to live or to cease to exist, I would choose the latter without hesitation. The simple reason is I do not love life. Life is meaningless and without fulfillment. I am living because of my responsibility towards my parents. They work so hard and sacrifice so much to raise me, and I cannot forsake them by leaving this world causing them great sadness and guilt. I am living because God does not condone suicide, and I do not want to go to hell (honestly I am not sure where it was quoted in the bible, but I do not wanna chance this). I am living also because I fear the physical pain I need to go through just to commit suicide, and if the method went awry, I need to continue living with my messed up body and that would be worse. So even though I will choose to die than to live, I will not commit suicide. If anyone is reading this blog (I hope there is none), please do not call any emergency hotline. All these while, I thought that I do not mind having kids in the future. But recently, I have fear of having kids because I am afraid I will not be a good role model and they will be on a wrong path, becoming trash to society. But today, I made a realisation that I may not prefer to have kids is also because I do not love life. Life in this world is shitty, why will I want to have kids so that they will suffer? I know that I am blessed, not having hardships in life and I should not complain. But I have been living with self-hate since I was 9, and I am putting myself through suffering that I created for myself. It is just an endless cycle. Having the opportunity to live is not by choice, and although continuing living is technically a choice, it is an obligation to do so therefore it is not really a choice either. I feel that this version of me is not good for anyone that I know in my life. For my family, they do not have a choice. For friends, they will continue to be friends because I am nice. For my potential partner and kids, I do not know if I should pursue having them in my life because of the state that I am in. I used to think that I want to improve myself first before pursuing them. But if I am not successful in fixing myself... hmm never mind I will just go with the flow.

Midnight Contemplations

At moments like this, I wonder what is the meaning of life. My life. Why did God put me here? What is my purpose? 

I know I have backslided, it's just so difficult to go back to how things were last time, when I used to read the bible everyday, pray and talk to Him everyday and looking forward to attend church.

I don't know why I turned out this way, where God is most likely disappointed in me right now, and my parents repeatedly telling me how they just can't stand me anymore.

Everyone has a side of them which people don't know about. Is mine really that bad? The fact that I am lazy and dislike doing house chores? The fact that I like to use my phone a lot? I mean, living with this kind of person is really horrible, no doubt about it. But what about the other things, that my parents are so disappointed about? To be honest, I'm not really sure what those characteristics are, just that they are all related somehow. I don't know myself really well, after all.

If I'm really such a detestable person in their eyes, I mean, what's the point? Why am I here?

Before this, studying overseas was just an interesting option, if I don't get to go, it's fine. But now? I can't wait to leave this godforsaken place, where living in this house seems so...

This is really a small matter, to be honest. Just that, at moments like this, I feel affected. But really, there is no point in trying to live up to their expectations, because nothing is ever good enough for them (humans are forever unsatisfied after all) and the most important thing is, I have to live for myself, to be happy.

I wish that I can be more independent, more capable and more streetwise so that I can live without them. I feel inadequate and helpless at the moment. But that will change, soon.

As years passed, I have become less disappointed in myself. But I will never be happy with how I have turned out, because it will never be enough. Humans are never happy with what they have right? 

This whole thing probably doesn't make sense. I wonder whether I will understand what I wrote when I read back in the future.

Circulation of Thoughts

• Everyone has their down moments.
• I am not an exception.
• I learnt to ignore the impact of my parents' words to me most of the time.
• This is not one of those times.
• It was not the words she said, but more of the fact that I resented the way she felt regarding the situation.
• Rather than complaining to the whole world, wasn't it sufficient to just stop doing them?
• I hope that when I am older, I won't throw others into a bad mood although I am in a bad mood.
• I really need to study.
• The word "underprepared" is an understatement.
• I will pull it through somehow.

FINALLY 18!!!

Well, well, look who's here?

The author, ie. Fiona is finally BACK!!!

I swear to you, I come here blogging at the worst times ever. Either I am feeling down, or just stressing out for exams. Gone were the days when I came here blogging as I was bored. Really you know, how could I feel bored last time? I hardly have time to feel bored, what with shows (American/Chinese/HK/Korean) ever capturing my interest. But yeah, I am having trials next week so I did not watch shows (on my own) for a pretty LONG LONG time.

 

Anyway, it was my birthday two days ago! I was quite excited the previous night. For years I have not cared celebrating birthdays, I saw as just another ordinary day for me. Also the fact that it was impossible for my friends and I to celebrate my birthday because we usually have midyear exams in  May. But I am now in college, and Gayithiri was planning for us to have lunch with my other college friends in Pyramid, so yeah I was excited :P

 

We had lunch at CAPRIOSSA (I don't really remember the name of the restaurant), the nearest restaurant to the Canopy Walk because some of my friends had 1.30 class. They had break for 1 hour and 15 minutes only. There were 14 people who could make it in the end. Most of those seated on my left were people I hardly saw and talked to. Amrit came up with the idea that everyone said something to me, except wishing me happy birthday to get everyone talking.

 

This year is the year which I received the most food as my birthday presents. I got a cupcake and J Co. doughnuts from Gayithiri, a slice of Red Velvet cake from Jana and Ferraro Roche from Isabelle. Kit Mun gave me a keychain. I came back home to find another 2 slices of cake in the refrigerator. This week is going to be a fattening week alright.

 

2014 is one of my best birthdays ever. I really thank everyone for making it such a blast :D
 

INTJ

I got interested with personality tests again. I have always been interested with these sort of tests as I will like to get to know myself better. Anyway, I did a test which was similar to the Briggs Meyer test and the result was INTJ. I obtained this result a few times before but I felt doubtful as I got a different result before that too (yes I did a few times). I read the functions and it started to make sense to me. Some of the negative characters that INTJ's have eg arrogance do not match my character. I might have those when I was younger but I am not sure whether that makes me an INTJ or not. So if I really am an INTJ, I have to say that I am glad to be one. INTJs aren't suppose to be affected by conflicts and criticisms. For me, I do not feel anything initially when I am lectured, for example. So the negative feelings must have been self-inflicted as I think too much after that. Also, the mindset of not wanting to get married from such a young age might be because of my personality type. Apparently, INTJs are people who have very high expectations when it comes to this aspect. I am not really sure but I think INTJs can be rather oblivious because of their quaternary function, ie extra sensing, which is their Archilles heel. INTJs are really rare people, they make up about 1% of mankind in this world. The fact that the people who belong to this personality type is so rare and online tests aren't really accurate, I have to say that I am still feeling doubtful about the result; however I am more postive than before that I am an INTJ after reading the functions of the personality type after that. Actually, I was supposed to be studying instead of researching about all these stuff. Oh wells.

Smartass

Ee Lyn once told me that we should write down happy things rather than writing down sad moments as writing something down makes us feel that particular emotion longer. But the truth is, when I feel sad only do I have the need to spill out my emotions, not when I am happy. So here we go... Being called stupid in your face kinda hurts your ego you know. Well if it is my boss who calls me so in the future, I will bear with it whether I like it or not. But if it's a family member, obviously you will give out reasons and argue back. As my reason does not stand strong, I am referred to as having an attitude problem, argue for the sake of arguing and goodness knows what else are they thinking in the back of their minds. This is quite a small matter considering if we want to compare to the huge family rows which happen to other families. Well the truth is, I must just avoid the whole situation from happening by not saying anything at all at the wrong time. So what if I am being called stupid? I'm not letting what you say run my life anyway. Come to think of it, everyone in this world has attitude problems as none of us are perfect. All we can do is to fix our flaws, and I am doing that right now. So yeah, I shall try to be more diplomatic even though I am angry. This is my side of the story for tonight.

CNY

Personally, I find CNY rather boring. I used to love this event as we would be celebrating my great grandfather's birthday in the restaurant, ie we will get to eat lots of delicious food. Of course, there were angpau too. Now, nothing about CNY is appealing except the holidays itself and that I have the opportunity to travel. In the future days to come, I will celebrate CNY with my family for the first few days and ciao I go to some other place. Somehow when I thought about travelling overseas in the future, I picture myself travelling alone carrying a backpack walking between some ancient buildings in black and white. Whether I will have the chance to travel to such places in such fashion or not, I will soon find out.

Disappointment

I am quite a disappointment eh? Did some things that were wrong but I don't really feel guilty about it. All the same, I will change my lazy ways and be a better daughter. Finally did I know the truth of what they were thinking about me all these while. Do they think that I am so because I am an open book and rather predictable? Cuz some other people who they think are rather innocent are actually worse than me. All the same, it is good to know what people actually think about me in the back of their minds. I know, I have not much achievements in my life. In fact, the only thing about me which I can be proud of is my studies. Not that they think rather highly regarding that. I feel that the only way I can prove my worth to myself is through studying hard and doing well in my studies, as I have no other achievements to shout about. Overall, no matter what they said about being proud of me the other time, I will know at the same time, how lowly they think about me.

Go With The Flow :P

How's life like in Form 4? Fun, STRESSful, feeling underprepared definitely, and of course, really different from the life we lead before that. But still, it's a fun year!! :D It's the beginning of finals now actually. One of the most unprepared exams in my whole life. Other than the next paper which we are going to take, I haven't finish studying for any subjects yet. Not to mention that for the 1st seven months I was running around like a headless chicken, as my mum put it, all I can say is that Form 4 life is tough and hard to get use to at first. Conclusion: Try not to feel too stress and just go with the flow :)

Feeling... Pessimistic?

I came to blog about what is troubling me but ended up getting sidetracked and giving the events of the day (last post)... Anyway, people think of me as a person who is just so... Like who I am right now, but the truth is, I never really like who I am, it's not like I'm trying to be a wannabe or anything, but I have self esteem issues at times, of who I am as a person. Am I useless? I definitely feel so at times. Am I this, am I that? Just knowing that I am not capable to be someone whom I can be proud of, being disappointed with myself, why can't I do this, why do I fail to do that?, just makes me know I am a failure. Haha, being blessed with so many things, so many chances, but yet?

Eventful Day Tomorrow

Basically, our class was chosen to perform some patriotic songs together with another class tomorrow to celebrate Malaysia Day. We practiced last minute for 2 days, and thank God our class will be facing the teachers when we sing and not the students, or else it will be more awkward... There are quite a lot of people born in September. Bernice, Zheng Yi and Sir are celebrating their birthday tomorrow. My mum's next week :) Gonna bake brownies if possible. It will be my first time baking brownies, looking forward to it, yummy!!! :D

Overwhelming Frustration

I am supposed to be doing homework now, which is maths. I just don't understand the question and I feel so frustrated with this year. I feel like this year is so hectic, so stressful, I suck at time management, therefore I feel like a failure. Just can't help feeling so. Teachers, are no doubt knowledgeable and good in the subjects they are supposed to teach, but the fact that I find a tad difficult to understand what they are talking about puts us in a disadvantage. Pn Anna, my math teacher is on leave for a few months, the new math teacher we have just teach a bit and I guess expect us to understand the chapter. He is nice, but then again, I don't understand what he is scribbling on the board. So I'm trying to understand what he is trying to teach by reading the examples in the textbook but they only have one example for that. I seriously don't know how to do my homework!! I kinda wish I didnt give up math tuition but then I might not be able to cope. The feeling of disappointment, helplessness, frustration, worrisome is what I have been feeling throughout this year.

Same Sex Attraction

I used to love this blog, it was my rubbish bin, where I dump my happy, sad, (angry?) emotions. Then it got a little meaningless when no one visits. I mean, you will feel like you have no life or sth right?

Or maybe that's just me?

Nvm, I'm back here today, which is what matters.

Hmm, today we had ZC (Zone Congregation) instead of cell group. So we heard Pastor Trifina talk, and it was really interesting. It was regarding the topic of homosexuality.

As this pastor used to be a practising lesbian, it was a very good testimony because it was what one can relate to. Studies have shown that human beings are not born homosexual, it was because of certain issues and factors that trigger this feeling of attraction between the same sex, whether that person realized it or not. Saying he/she was born homosexual, is just an excuse to continue being a homosexual or trying to ease the guilt he/she is feeling.

I am gonna share Pastor Trifina's testimony here, I hope she doesn't mind. It is very important to share so that others who do not have a chance to hear what attraction between same sex is really about will have the opportunity to read it here.

Pastor Trifina was chubby when she was young, she wore a dress and went to flaunt it in front of her father. Her father said: "Don't eat so much." If you are the child, how would you feel? Sad? Confused? Did dad just implied you are fat? Did he mean to point out you are ugly? When one is young, one loves to be loved unconditionally by his parents, to hear soothing words and praises from them. That would be the first blow to Pastor Trifina.

Then, when she was around 5 years old, there was a girl who laid on top of her and french kissed her. She did not know what was happening really, she knew she felt embarassed though.

After that, Pastor Trifina's parents got into a heated argument. Her father had gambled all the money away and her mum did not trust her dad anymore. So she became the rubbish bin, whatever negative things about her dad was complained to her by her mum, and she was the eldest child, so she was actually like her mother's husband, being the protector and the provider of the family.

When we were in primary, we used to encounter this trend of being friends this day, and NOT being friends again the next. What happened to Pastor Trifina though, I believed was much worse because when she was 12, all her friends suddenly did not want to be friends with her anymore and she was left feeling hurt, sad. confused. Now remember, when she was young, she was imprinted with the thought that she was fat and ugly, so she was wondering whether she these were the reasons her friends left her.

When she came up to secondary school, she had a crush on a boy. They were walking back home together, when this guy started to tell her how much he liked the girl next door. Of course, her heart was broken, how much rejection she had received already.. She was chubby still, so she could not find any nice blouses or skirts her size, so she had to make do with T-shirts and pants. She kept short hair too. So she was called tomboy by her peers. She did not really know what tombpy really means, but she thought it was cool. Therefore she wanted to be the best tomboy ever. She exelled in games, and she had a group of fans cheering for her, which happened to be girls, the feminine ones. So what she desired (ie long hair, slim figure) from the girls she did not have, and the girl who had such did not excel in games, so this attraction between same sex started to from.

There was another argument between Pastor Trifina's parents and it was so bad that the father kicked her mother and heer siblings out as well. From that day onwards, she swore that she hated guys, guys were unreliable, could not be trusted. The role of being a protector and a provider was intensified.

Pastor Trifina was a Christian when she had gotten into relationships between the same sex. Everytime the relationships did not work out, she would go back to God. When there was this girl whom she really loved left her, she really felt like killing herself. She did not do so though, instead she told a pastor and his wife that she was a practising lesbian. To even tell somebody about this, you have to pivk up A LOT of courage. So if you ever encounter anybody who is telling you his secret, hear him out and not judge him or he will be left even more broken then before.

This couple listened to her, did not judge her and told her, "Jesus still loves you". That made Pastor Trifina cried, for she felt not worthy, she felt guilt, she felt she the grace given by God. This pastor got some people to walk through this journey with her, and now she is straight again.

If a person is attracted by someone of the same sex and he wants to change, he must really want to change. With God, anything can be done. God made human beings in his image, males and females. So the function of a male's sexual organ is to give, while the female's sexual organ is to receive. So if two guys are trying to make love with each other, they will never feel satisfied, because both are trying to give. Same goes for two females. Both are trying to receive, so they will never feel satisfied even if they have sex.

When one tells you he is attracted to the same sex and you do not say anything, you are practically agreeing with his actions. Instead, we should thank him for viewing us as his good friend and confide in us, but we must also make a stand and tell him that it is wrong without being judgemental. Same sex attraction is a sin, but to God, cheating in exam, stealing these sins are on the same category as the prior one. God still loves the person who sins, but he does not agree with his actions.

God loves us no matter what, once we know that, we will feel secured that He will always be with us no matter what we are going through, He is a faithful God.

Vengaboys - Shalala lala

I love this song!!!!!!!

THis MV is very funnyXD But a bit sick..

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

Great voice, cool song. This was a song released about 20 years ago, when music were real music.. When I saw a title mentiong heaven, I thought she is a Christian. I read from somewhere saying she was a Christian, but she became a Buddhist. Dunno real or not..

Yesterday I resat my piano exam. The Yamaha melody singing version. I wasnt nervous, perhaps I should have been, then I would have played faster. The examiners said I played too slow and asked me to play the second time. Not only that, my tempo wasnt consistent and my pictch was sometimes good but sometimes shaky.

Ah well at least it's over..

I went back to school yesterday to buy exercise books. I didnt know we can go buy already until Elsa told me about it.

SEUNGRI - (WHAT CAN I DO) M/V [HD]

This mv is so cool!! The cars, the dance, the voice, OMG!!

I LOVE Big Bang!!!

Twitter

I created a Twitter account yesterday. My parents werent very happy about it but they didnt say i cannot create an account so whatever.. I know I will feel bad and guilty if I lie to them this time so I asked them whether I can create an account. I followed Lee Min Ho but I dunno whether it's the real person or not.

So.. i havent updated this blog for a week cuz i felt lazy.. Oh btw I got a new guitar!! Yamaha APX700 aqua coloured.



I learned how to play a few chords. Need to practise more!! I think that's all for now. Bye!

Another Korean Drama

We watched finish Iris yesterday, sad ending, but whatever. T.O.P. acted as an assasin in this series and I felt so sad when he was killed by the main character. I still didnt get over the fact that he used a girl's feelings to get information out of her and then killed her. Ah I know it's just a show, not reality. But I really hate that kind of betrayal.

We returned that series and rented City Hunter!! Lee Min Ho acted in this series. Park Min Young who acted as his lover is actually his girl friend now. She was featured in Big Bang's Haru Haru mv...



There you go!!

Ok, I could have rented a movie to watch tomorrow but I forgot=( I guess we will have to make do with the old movies then.. I hope everyone will enjoy themselves tomorrow..

Hmm, my mum might be getting a tablet. Mum suggested to get me a netbook but my hopes were dashed when she said we can just share and use the tablet with the keyboard so they dont need to get me a netbook. On the outside I told them it was ok if they dont get me a netbook, but I was secretly wishing for one. I know I should be grateful for what I have now, but I couldnt help feeling diasppointed and was in a bad mood after that.

I think I might be influenced by my mum to get hooked on watching Korean dramas.. I think I know where my money will be spent on in the future...

You Are The Apple of My Eye

This movie is out in the cinemas already!! It's based on the book written by Giddens and it's a really touching story. Their OST are all very nice and instrumental. I think they have quite a good review. Sad that it's 18...

I feel so happy today I manage to wake up early and exercise. My parents were surprised=) I dont feel like such a failure already.

A Sense of Failure?

Every time I decided to do something, I just dont have enough determination to do it, eg wake up early today to exercise... Instead I woke up later than usual=(

Then, there are many other things besides that. I was enthusiastic to do something for a moment, then I lost interest. Eg I thought of joining volleyball next year, then I thought maybe badminton instead cuz at least I know the basics, then when I realise how bad I am in it, I thought of swimming!! My mum suggested I learn swimming this holiday, then I thought maybe next year I can put swimming under the sports category next year. Turns out mum says it's too rush so I'm not learning swimming now....

I feel like a 5-minute person (dunno got such word in english or not), 五分钟热度, or hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Ugh, why am I so.... hopeless? Maybe I shouldnt plan anything in my life, just go with the flow or something. Sigh..