Thoughts

It has been some time since I blogged. The reason why I am back is because I feel like jotting down my dark thoughts, and I don't want to display this side of me on social media like IG and Twitter, as I don't want to entertain questions like "Are you ok?" or consoling words of "I am here for you if you wanna talk". I am having a bad day today. Partly because I am on my period, partly because I encountered bitchy people being fking rude to my face and I did nothing to defend myself, partly because I noticed again how I am not as close to my close friends in my social circle. For the first reason, it is such a jinx because I was just telling myself yesterday that I didn't have PMS this round. Look who's wrong lol. The second reason is colleagues complaining about my photography skills. I was asked to help to take a photo for my friend's team. However, the first manager said "I thought youngsters can take good photos one". I was shocked because people usually do not acknowledge a bad photo to strangers, although we are not strangers, I only joined this team once for lunch and we are definitely not friends. I tried to play it cool by joking "Aiya you take yourself lah" (not sure if they think it is a joke because this was my first reaction as I was really stunned and annoyed, plus I am not good at masking my emotions). Then after awhile the second manager said where was our other mutual friend, she was sure she could take better pictures than me. Wow, what a fucking bitch. I am not kidding at all. I see her in office, I acknowledge her when I pass by her but she always pretend not to see me but before this I was like whatever and just thought that she could be shy or dgaf about being polite. But this is too much. This is not a joke because I am not close to her, I never talked to her, and jokes are called jokes because it is a banter between friends or an attempt to be friendly. Anyway in the end I never said anything but offered to take another photo again under the guidance of another team member (though her angle is also shitty in my opinion). Just a disclaimer, the photos I took are fine, they just want a closer up picture. As for the third reason, I feel like my existence is non-essential when I hang out with my social circle. Why am I not as close to my close friends? I know it is because of my quiet and more serious personality, being too nice, mainly a listener and not deemed as fun. When I hang out with my friends, I encounter instances where I feel excluded. Of course, I learnt not to get hung up about this, but there are times that I care. These close friends not telling/updating me things that they told my other close friends already, is one factor that kept reaffirming insecurities I feel regarding the personality I listed above. Maybe I am not caring enough that I do not check in with them 24/7 that it did not cross their mind to update me things. Maybe I am not fun enough to make them feel comfortable to come and find me automatically so that I do not even need to check in with them in the first place. Maybe I just have a different dynamic with them. Maybe I am not a good friend. Maybe they do not regard me as important as how much I regard them. These thoughts have plagued me for 2 years, and I do not know how to make myself become more sociable, talkative and fun anymore. Maybe I am not trying hard enough, so I deserve to feel like this. Maybe I just do not deserve to be happy, because I let negativity dwell in my mind. Maybe I deserve not to be closer to my friends, because I am just not their type. All these maybes are toxic thoughts that are always behind my mind, even though on a normal day these thoughts do not dampen my mood. I made a new realisation today because of the thoughts above spoiling my mood today, and this is the real reason why I decided to blog. I was thinking how much I love watching shows, and it hit me that it is just because I prefer fantasy to the reality I am living in. Even when I was young, I loved to read and I was constantly daydreaming because I prefer living in my own fantasy. And then I thought, if I were given this moment to choose to live or to cease to exist, I would choose the latter without hesitation. The simple reason is I do not love life. Life is meaningless and without fulfillment. I am living because of my responsibility towards my parents. They work so hard and sacrifice so much to raise me, and I cannot forsake them by leaving this world causing them great sadness and guilt. I am living because God does not condone suicide, and I do not want to go to hell (honestly I am not sure where it was quoted in the bible, but I do not wanna chance this). I am living also because I fear the physical pain I need to go through just to commit suicide, and if the method went awry, I need to continue living with my messed up body and that would be worse. So even though I will choose to die than to live, I will not commit suicide. If anyone is reading this blog (I hope there is none), please do not call any emergency hotline. All these while, I thought that I do not mind having kids in the future. But recently, I have fear of having kids because I am afraid I will not be a good role model and they will be on a wrong path, becoming trash to society. But today, I made a realisation that I may not prefer to have kids is also because I do not love life. Life in this world is shitty, why will I want to have kids so that they will suffer? I know that I am blessed, not having hardships in life and I should not complain. But I have been living with self-hate since I was 9, and I am putting myself through suffering that I created for myself. It is just an endless cycle. Having the opportunity to live is not by choice, and although continuing living is technically a choice, it is an obligation to do so therefore it is not really a choice either. I feel that this version of me is not good for anyone that I know in my life. For my family, they do not have a choice. For friends, they will continue to be friends because I am nice. For my potential partner and kids, I do not know if I should pursue having them in my life because of the state that I am in. I used to think that I want to improve myself first before pursuing them. But if I am not successful in fixing myself... hmm never mind I will just go with the flow.